suddenly I find myself holding your hand
and the tears begin to fall
tears of honor and time...so much time has passed
but my love is still so strong
instantly, the pain and the pending loss
looms again, and I am lost in the lamentations
of losing my blood, my brother
my heart
I feel the softness of the chair against my cheek
as I hold silent sentry along side your chair....
keeping watch over the rise and fall of your
heaving chest
holding on so you would know I was there
as you dove down into the drug induced dreams
hinging on nightmares
as you hung suspended within them
what does a dying man fear?
were you not living your nightmare outloud then....
in the long laborious days that numbly
tumbled into night
your brain not knowing
your soul preparing
your family freaking out stoically
we were always so stoic...so strong they'd say
in a few days at the service
smile, we will
all the time wanting to yell out at the world
at goddess, at man, at hiv, at cancer
at life itself
how do I live past this nightmare I am trapped within
I wondered
I will hold your hand, that is what I am here to do
now...we will hold hands
you and I...so open
we had no secrets, no unsaid words
so many wordless moments of deep connection
I hope you see, I turned out ok, big monster
I am ok
we are all ok....the circle contiunes
"let's just hold hands" you wrote to me
In scrathy words, when words you could no longer speak
I held on so tight, until it was time to let go
I have a secret to tell you....
I never really let go, I just lightened my grip
enough for you to float away
right now, I suddenly find myself holding your hand
wordlessly you tell me you are here....
here as always to watch the rise and fall of my chest
as I sail off to sleep
keeping the nightmares away
gifting me my dreams
and, then, your own tears begin to fall
tears of honor and time...so much time has passed
but our love is still so strong
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